The short answer is no, but this is a complicated issue.
The aim of any relationship counselling is to understand ourselves and each other better, to accept what can’t be changed and to creatively problem solve the things that can. However, the change process often can’t begin until each partner understands their own traits, both strengths and weaknesses. An empathic understanding of each other’s “biologic wiring” is also critical to optimising neurodiverse relationships.
The diagnostic process, if undertaken with a perspective of curiosity, may help you develop more self-awareness and to make sense of historical experiences. It can allow you to better understand the strengths and weaknesses of your neurobiology. It may also help you to reduce the impact of traits that trigger distress in others. Once we know ourselves well, it is also easier to speak to the best in ourselves and in our partner. However, in the context of relationship advancement, a diagnosis is only a potential stepping stone in the journey towards a better relationship.
In the context of relationship distress, it is easy to get into vicious cycles of criticism and defensiveness. This is especially the case when one person can be identified as being “atypical” or having traits that fit a “mental health classification” such as ADHD, ASD (Asperger’s), anxiety or depression. They can often feel that they carry the bulk of the responsibility for relationship problems. Sometimes “getting a diagnosis” can become a secondary problem. The “typical” partner seeks it to validate their own experience in the relationship, whilst the “atypical” partner rejects it to defend their own normality. A “name and blame” approach is unlikely to improve the relationship.
Even when one person gets a diagnosis, it doesn’t necessarily convert to “the solution”. Some partners will interpret the diagnosis by giving up hope that their atypical partner will ever be able to change or show empathy. On the other hand, the “diagnosed” atypical partner may feel paralysed by stigma, feel under attack, or be overwhelmed by responsibility to change the impossible. It usually takes time to accept and integrate new knowledge about oneself. Stigma and negative bias around mental health diagnoses still exist and can damage self-esteem and identity. Hopefully as diversity empowerment movements grow, this will be challenged.
Neurodiverse couples therapy takes the pressure off the need to diagnose and explores each couple’s unique traits that have become problematic in the context of their relationship. It always “takes two to tango” and relationship change is always a 50-50 responsibility. Relationships are bi-directional – how we react and interact with each other has significant potential to change the impact of various traits on the relationship in a positive and negative manner. Both members of the relationship must learn to adapt to their differences, not to “fix” the atypical person. Having said that, this doesn’t absolve either person from taking responsibility to improve their relationship.
Learning about relationships and neurodiversity helps you accept what’s unlikely to change and to creatively problem solve where needed.
