Listen to your partner.
We all yearn to be heard, understood, validated and accepted for who we are. Practice turning off what you’d like to say when listening to your partner and adopt some curiosity about what they are saying. Put down your defensive stance. Ask questions and try to summarise back to them what they’ve said. Your partner may have an issue that they’d like to talk about but you don’t need to go into problem solving mode for them. In fact, it is far more empowering to be listened to than to receive unsolicited advice.
Know your own values, needs and dreams and become interested in your partner’s
If you can articulate what you believe in and why, and what your emotional needs are you can enter into a dialogue about these things. If you are unclear, warning emotions (fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness) will surface when your beliefs and needs are violated but you will unconsciously react rather than consciously respond. With busy lives, sometimes the bigger dreams and aspirations get lost. Make time to talk about what is important to you and entertain dreams for the future. Practice this with enjoyable topics and you may find that hot topics are easier to negotiate.
Develop acceptance, respect and gratitude for the difference
In any relationship differences emerge once the romantic phase of the relationship passes. Research on happiness has proven that the practice of gratitude, along with quality interpersonal connections are the biggest influences on long term happiness and well-being. Show appreciation every day for all the small things that you are grateful for.
Become an ideal friend and partner
Work on yourself – turn your energy and attention to yourself and how you can change to be your best in relationships. When we are in a distressed relationship negative override develops– partners become anxious and get stuck in blame-attack-withdraw mode. When your mind is finding fault with your partner, remind yourself that by staying in the stance of criticism (attack) you are definitely not talking to the best in your partner or helping them accept their own shortcomings. You will be encouraging their defences and likely to keep them just where they are, rather than motivating the positive change you desire. If you want to repair a relationship take the “threat to leave” off the agenda – it feeds insecurity according to Dr Steve Tatkin who specialises in the neuroscience of relationships.
Problem solve conflict respectfully
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship due to differences. Drs John and Julie Gottman who have researched couples for over forty years found that 60% of marital conflict is unsolvable. It is therefore imperative that we learn to disagree with great respect for each other. The goal is to manage conflict –you cannot eliminate it. Of course, conflict in the form of abuse or violence should not be tolerated. Stay “I” focused rather than “you” focused, speak with respect and have curiosity for your partner’s perspective. Take agreed time out if things get too heated, and agree to come back to the disagreement once you have calmed down.
Plan rituals of connection
To change the emotional climate of the relationship, plan pleasurable moments. Start small and build your emotional bank account by “turning towards your partner” rather than away or against. The Gottmans observed that every day there are small “bids for connection” between partners. The couples who had positive long term relationships, responded warmly in response to these small bids on a ratio greater than five positive interactions to one negative interaction. Bids can be very incidental communication for example: “did you see the sunrise this morning?” partner might return by saying “oh yes, it was magnificent” (positive), or may say “nuh” (away) or may say “no I was trying to sleep in after you woke me up!” (against).
When stuck, do something different
It is likely that no matter what you are specifically disagreeing over, the same reactive and unhelpful emotional patterns are occurring. This is what we call gridlock. Practice asking yourself some questions to slow down the interaction and give yourself time to choose a different response. When you feel uneasy or that you are entering into a moment of conflict ask yourself some questions: what is going on for me right now? What need of mine is wanting attention? What do I value that has been violated? Am I in attack or defend mode or feel like withdrawing? Do I need time out to calm down? Keep the focus on yourself and not your partner. If you can stay calm enough to express your needs in a way that your partner is able to hear, you will likely change their behaviour, but nagging, pleading or attacking them will see them put up their own protective defences – back to gridlock.
Develop some language for emotional awareness and communication
Practice asking yourself – what is going on for me right now? What are my bodily sensations telling me? What need of mine is wanting attention? Is this something I can satisfy myself or is to reasonable to ask my partner or someone else for help with this? Behind every complaint is a deep longing. Turn your whinges into wants, your nagging into your needs.
Taking care of yourself
This is fundamental to your happiness and well-being. Assess your balance of recreation and leisure pursuits, rest, nutrition, friends, community involvement. Find ways your relationship can become more interdependent which is a blend of dependence and independence. For example, not expecting our partners, children, relatives and friends to meet all our needs all the time, but having the confidence that when we turn to them they will be there for us. This is what we all want and need.
Live mindfully in the now
Stop worrying about things that have already happened, and stop worrying about what may go wrong in the future. Take some time each day to ground yourself and to think only about the present moment. There are many different ways to do this from guided exercises to focused breathing exercises, listening to music, getting into nature. This practice aims to discipline your mind to be able to focus on thoughts and actions that you value, without the cloud of worry that can easily get in the road. When there is a problem –put conscious energy into a response or action that is likely to help.
If you are stuck, ruminating and can’t solve it alone – seek help.
