Humans are designed to connect and attach to other humans in order to thrive in life. We are biologically designed to need this connection with others as much as we need food and water. We unconsciously look to our partners, family and close friends for unconditional love, approval and support; just as a baby looks to its parent for this.
The brain and nervous system require the attunement and attentiveness of others to assist in development and emotional self-regulation. Humans rely subconsciously on significant others for security, safety and love in order to thrive and have good mental health.
This is informed by several decades of research in the fields of attachment theory, social baseline theory and neuroscience.
However, the price we pay for this evolutionary protection and connection can be over-reactivity in our close relationships. This breeds negativity and obscures our partners positive traits, the possibility of hope and any positive change.
According to Bader and Pearson’s Developmental Model of relationships, all relationships move through predictable stages. We move from the early romantic phase, where we are focused on similarities and sameness, to the next phase of realising we are in fact quite different. All sorts of differences become apparent and conflict often begins here – some couples manage to negotiate this, grow as people and move into the next phase of the relationship – but many don’t.
Our relationships work on us to change
The second phase is where it becomes apparent that all partners are imperfect, and that you will never have a happy relationship by seeking changes in your partner. Rather if we learn to focus our attention on our own needs, vulnerabilities and reactions, we are empowered and influence those around us to change or adapt to meet some of our needs. This is the nature of self-growth. Our relationships work on us to change.
If our focus gets stuck on our partner’s inherent “flaws”, things seem unchangeable. The more we focus on the negativity in our partner, the more evidence our brain finds to support our feelings of hopelessness. We react with instinctual survival strategies in this state, which are counterintuitive to what we want and need. Our partner is less likely to change to accommodate our needs. As vulnerabilities and past hurts are inadvertently triggered through feelings of insecurity in the relationship, neither partner is available to soothe the other. What’s keeping us stuck, is not so much our partner’s differences -it’s actually the reactivity and negative feedback loops that begin. Our well intended, but misguided attempts to create harmony and security, often create the opposite.
Long term committed relationships are worthwhile and healthy for us. We must remember to practice acts of kindness and curiosity and be respectful of each other’s vulnerabilities, priorities, ideas, opinions and operating systems, to learn effective and respectful ways of communicating our needs and expectations, and of problem solving.
