Change and healing are possible when we are in a calm state or approach mode (ventral vagal nervous system) - hope, curiosity, problem solving and learning all take place here.
Change and healing occurs in the habits of mind, thought, behaviour, emotion, nervous system.
Change and healing is gradual and slow and takes at least a few months of disciplined practice of specific activities and actions.
Change and healing goes forward and backwards, setbacks are normal and expected and you need a plan to get back on track.
Couples in long term neurodiverse relationships accept the daily mis-attunements and adapt to accommodate them and implement self-care practices.
Change and healing may be an internal process –
getting to know your own traits - strengths and weaknesses from a neurobiological perspective – psychoeducation and resource sharing
identifying and self-soothing our internal processes (difficult emotions, anxiety, fear, depression, grief, emotion) – meditation, mindfulness type activities, breathing exercises, physical exercise, yoga, cognitive behavioural therapy, body therapies like reflexology and remedial massage, postural integration -Alexander technique, Feldenkrais, Reiki, Integrative Body-Mind based psychotherapies, Hakomi, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, Tapping, biofeedback like Heartmath
taking time out, attending to your own needs (for adventure, spontaneity, creativity, nature) by ourselves – e.g. doing activities that replenish us or improve our nervous system functioning,
working to tame our inner critic – of ourselves and our partner -improving our own sense of self-esteem and challenging our internal dialogue and narrative that is problem saturated and keeps our brain looking for evidence to support it
practising gratitude and self-compassion
staying mindful - in the present moment
Or Change and healing may be a between process –
doing kind things for your partner, having kind thoughts towards your partner,
saying kind words, expressing gratitude,
learning how to have safe, repairing and reciprocal conversations with your partner
learning how to raise a complaint without criticism – standing up for yourself without putting your partner down
learning how to problem solve with your partner
learning how to keep your partner in your mind in positive ways
taking time out/deescalating conflict
learning to apologise and receive and apology responsibly
developing a code word/signal to deescalate conflict and nervous system arousal
understanding negative feedback loops – how and when you are drawn into reactivity and anxiety, and the effect your behaviour has on your partner
scheduling time to enjoy being with your partner – create, play, dance, fun, joy, humour
learning about each other’s needs for physical and intimate closeness
learning how to “perspective take” (focusing attention on your partner’s perspective)
creating shared dreams and rituals of connection and supporting each other’s roles
Neurodiverse couples and family therapy aims to assist you to a calm, less reactive position where you can problem solve in a safe and trusting manner with your partner and other loved ones.
It involves a combination of education, interpretation and targeted strategies to move you away from destructive cycles of interaction, enhancing the well-being of all family members.
It acknowledges the need for acceptance, understanding and validation, then for change, growth and adaptation.
