What is anxiety?
Anxiety refers to that feeling of dread or urgency that we experience in our body. It is an evolutionary message that the body senses danger and is physiologically ready for fight, flight, freeze.
Why is it important to reduce anxiety?
Anxiety is a great motivator of action if there is a physical threat that we have to escape from. When the threat is psychological or emotional, anxiety is the enemy. We are ready for action and our frontal “higher order” thinking lobes turn off – our thinking and problem-solving ability actually becomes narrowed and distorted. (we tend to become black and white in our thoughts, overly personalise information, filter out the negative, catastrophize, make up ideas/mind read-all this happens automatically so we can focus on the danger). We are in our primitive reactive attack-defend-withdraw stance and this usually invites whoever we are dealing with to respond in the same way! Our nervous system subconsciously attunes to those around us.
Anxiety is the enemy, not your partner!
It is very common when couples (neurodiverse or not) present for therapy that each person comes with a mind full of ideas about “what the problem is and how it should be fixed”, and a body full of anxiety.
This usually means having their partner’s weaknesses under the microscope. Each tries desperately to argue their case (to satisfy their anxious minds’ thinking) by remembering every occasion that their partner demonstrated the particular weaknesses/shortcomings. Much of this “evidence” may have occurred or may be real, but the overall story is one of hopelessness and pathology, neglecting any focus on positive attributes that may be useful in solving their relationship dilemmas– not a good position to feel empowered and motivated to make changes from or to feel empathy towards your partner and their needs or wants.
This is the anxious and judgemental stance and it actually generates more inner stress because our nervous system is on alert. It keeps us locked in those negative interactional cycles that we can’t seem to escape.
Until we can accept ourselves and our partners, (remain calm, open and curious to life and our partners), we cannot entertain the idea of change and healing.
How to reduce anxiety
There are many ways to become aware of anxiety and to gain some sense of influence over it rather than have anxiety push us around in life.
Some people find that they are more prone to anxiety – this is normal - we can’t and don’t want to get rid of all anxiety. Anxiety has a very good purpose of letting us know that there is potential danger or concern. However, for most of us, we have an abundance of it and should aim to reduce it for the health of our relationships and our own bodies.
Relaxation strategies – done regularly condition our nervous system to be in good shape and less prone to reactivity. Resets the nervous system to the relaxed state that is needed for good health and the ability to think clearly.
Mindfulness practices – some people find these relaxing as well but the purpose is actually to condition the thoughts to have a directed focus. This way we have more influence over our thoughts and can consciously direct them in ways that our helpful eg rather than letting our minds run wild with all sorts of continual past hurts or future worries, we can focus on the here and now and respond by problem solving right now. This is more likely to get our needs met.
Cognitive, emotional and behavioural awareness and retraining – slowing down and reflecting on what’s happening for us right now as soon as we feel unsettled. What is my emotional need right now? Eg for support, validation, to feel worthy, to feel loved, for physical assistance..etc…. becoming aware of how our thoughts influence our emotions and behaviour. Identifying anxious thinking patterns and developing helpful thoughts and internal dialogues. Taking action and choosing behaviour that actually works and gets us closer to meeting our needs and goals.
Physical Exercise
Yoga
Body/Somatic therapies -Tapping, EMDR, Feldenkrais, Reiki, reflexology, remedial massage, Somatic Experiencing, Biofeedback -HeartMath
Special Interests – bring joy and pleasure
Nutrition – ensure you understand your individual needs
Leisure/holidays/breaks
Social connections/family/friends
Reading
Religious/spiritual rituals – prayer,
Being in Nature
Practising gratitude, appreciation
Art, creativity – getting into a state of flow
Drama, dance, movement classes
Limit drugs, alcohol and caffeine
Sleep – ensure you get enough
Breathe – learn techniques to calm nervous system
Volunteer
Accept you cannot control everything
Seek professional help for activities that create short term relief from anxiety but create long term pain. Eg. Addictions, obsessions.
