Have you decided whether you are staying committed to your long-term relationship?
If not, what are your alternatives or if uncertain, what help do you need to make this decision?
If yes, what would you like this relationship to be like? What does a ‘conscious’ marriage/relationship look like to you? What does your heart really want? Why is this important to you?
If you decide you are in this relationship for the long term, does it make sense to create the best relationship you can have for yourselves and your children?
Do you believe you can do this or is your mind clouded with the negative override and anxiety of the current situation (last ?years)?
What would help you be more ready to work at changing your own part of the relationship?
Do you believe that if you make positive changes yourself, your partner will also eventually make positive changes?
What are your strengths? What are your challenges?
What do you think you need to work on improving?
What are your main concerns? What bothers you most? Upsets you most?
If there was a miracle tonight and these bothers disappeared what would you notice about yourself about others?
What do you have control over?
How can you influence your partner?
How important is it to you that your partner is content, feeling secure and connected and loved?
What ways have you found to get your partner off your case?
What concrete things bring you closer? Distance you?
What is your typical negative interactional cycle?
How can you resist using coping strategies that feed your negative cycle?
What habits would cultivate more peace between you and your partner?
What skills might you need to learn?
What are you prepared to change about yourself to make this possible? What would be your ideal self?
Internally (individually) – taking responsibility for yourself – a. body – stress reduction, calming techniques, mindful practice, emotion regulation/awareness b. thoughts – keeping a check on the inner dialogue and negative stories especially about your partner/relationship, practising gratitude and compassion for self and partnerExternally (with others) - practising effective communication, listening and validating partner, respectful problem solving process for what needs attention, scheduling and prioritisation of the relationship
What ideas do you have about how to influence positive change in your partner? What has worked in the past? What doesn’t work? What gets in the road you of you doing more of what works?
Do you believe in speaking to the best in people to bring out the best? How do you apply this?
How do you avoid taking the bait from your partner when they may acting in ways that upset/disappoint you? Can you maintain your calm and either not react or respond with respectful integrity?
What can you draw from mindfulness and apply to your marriage? Have you read the book ACT with Love by Russ Harris?
Are you remembering that change occurs slowly? If things haven’t been happy for a while the mind will tend to dwell on the negative - we often don’t notice the small positive changes that we need to acknowledge in order to rebuild our relationship bank account. We defend against any positive actions of our partners to connect with us because of our own hurt feelings.
Are you waiting for your partner to change first? How does this effect how you think about your partner? Is this a part of the negative internal dialogue?
What habits would cultivate more peace and closeness between you both?
Do you feel/think like a victim? Does this leave you feeling hopeless and disempowered? Is it possible for you to reclaim some hope and power through positive and effective self-change?
Is it possible to turn your energy and focus on yourself – your internal and external factors that you and only you have control over?
Are you being the ideal partner? How would you need to be different to attract positive connection with your partner? What small things can you do differently?
Are there other things that you think should be talked about in therapy? What would you like to prioritise to work on?
If you’re in a Neurodiverse relationship, have you found the understanding of Asperger traits/neurodiversity to be useful/not useful in your relationship? In what ways? What are the main ways neurological differences are evident in your relationship? Have you found any creative ways to get around or accommodate these?
