There is an underlying paradox that we are wired for connection and self-protection with other humans. We want and crave safety and connection but often our mis-attunement with close loved ones, and subsequent reactions (instinctual survival strategies - behaviours associated with flight or fight responses ) create negative feedback loops in our relationships.
When we sense danger, threat or distress in our relationships –through disagreements, thwarted expectations, or even through unrecognised primary needs (validation, appreciation, love, respect)- our nervous system goes into sympathetic arousal, (fight-flight mode). Our brain has its amygdala fired up and sends a warning (experienced as anxiety in the body). We begin looking around for “the danger” and “the problem” that is making us feel anxious. We usually find another person to focus our anxious attention on and to blame. Counterintuitively, this is often the same person we are seeking comfort, love and security from.
In flight-fight mode we often feel anxious, alone, unsupported, unloved, invalidated, hopeless, helpless, irritable or angry. Our thoughts and behaviour reflect this in many ways such as protesting, attacking, criticism, defending and withdrawing. The more one partner leans on these instinctive “survival strategies” to protest “the threat”, the more their partner will do the same. They become locked in a negative feedback loop where listening and problem solving are not possible.
All of this happens subconsciously – we effectively get hijacked by our brain and body trying to protect us. Often partners can identify the same emotional experiences and patterns occurring regularly over different topics. No matter how hard they try, they cannot find a solution to their distress. Blame usually increases and feeds more negativity. Each partner’s nervous system has subconsciously synchronised to their partner’s. They are stuck and it is painful.
All relationships go from secure connection (approach mode) to disconnection (fight/ flight, avoid modes) through misunderstandings, miscommunication, different perspectives, or the triggering of past hurts and vulnerabilities. This is normal and expected and happens many times a day, from small to large issues. In fact, the human body moves between sympathetic and parasympathic nervous systems continually. Some degree of fight-flight is necessary for motivation and action. However, getting continually stuck in this state with your partner will lead to disharmony and eventually disconnection.
The amygdala is quick to learn and slow to forget. Learned fears take hold when under stress or a situation reminds us of a previous painful experience. Once we find ourselves in these negative feedback loops it can be very hard to get ourselves out of them alone. Many couples adapt and find ways to repair (move into approach mode) and continue – but we also know many do not!
Approach mode (parasympathetic ventral vagus nervous system) is where partners can remain calm, be curious and creatively problem solve without attacking or defending. It is also known as our social engagement mode. John and Julie Gottman, world leaders in couples’ therapy, have shown that couples who remain in long term committed relationships are those who can repair the small daily “ruptures”, not those who never fought or disagreed. The goal is not to disagree but it is how we disagree and repair that is important.
For more information see The Neurobiology of Relationships.
For ideas on how to move from flight/fight to approach mode see What Happens in Neurodiverse Couples and Family Therapy .
