Neurodiverse relationships have special challenges due to differences in each partner’s cognitive, sensory and emotional processing, communication and learning styles. Neurodiverse relationships:
are more vulnerable to unintentional misunderstandings, disagreements and misattunements of each others needs
get stuck in negative feedback loops of fight/flight or avoid mode
don’t easily repair the negative feedback loops or disagreements/misattunements through the subtle use of instinctual survival strategies (eg. hints, sulking, body language)
require more frequent problem solving to understand each other, get needs met, feel safe and secure, and to address the day to day issues of domestic life.
Therefore a paradox exists - problem solving is best in responsive or approach mode but these relationships typically spend a lot of time in reactive flight- fight mode. The process becomes the problem not your partner. Couples often recognise that they have the same sort of fight over different things, and sometimes can’t even remember what the disagreement was about.
Neurodiverse couples and family therapy is about exploring differences in a respectful manner without attributing blame, keeping in mind the particular traits that each partner brings to the relationship.
It takes the view that there is a range of underlying neurobiological wiring packages that predispose people to various expressions of traits which are both strengths and weaknesses depending on the context.
It aims to establish a supportive environment to explore the couple or family’s different perspectives and experiences and to learn ways to respectfully and creativity problem solve typical problems.
It offers interpretations and adjustments relating to each partner’s neurobiological traits and vulnerabilities. It aims to reduce misunderstandings, frustration, blame, and shame and collaborate around practical solutions for you to practice at home.
Neurodiverse couples and family therapy is systemic in nature – it is concerned with the interactional and bidirectional patterns of the relationship. For example, when one person says or does something, how does their partner react and what effect does this have on their partner, and what does the other do in response? Is their response helpful? What is the meaning or feeling behind the behaviour? What need or fear does this relate to?
It takes the philosophy that relationships follow developmental trajectories and that life is about growth and adaptation. Our relationships push us to grow.
It is a collaboration with you and takes considerable effort, commitment and courage on your own part - to practice doing things differently, to break old habits of thinking and interacting, and to persist despite setbacks. There is no quick fix to relationship change. It is a commitment to lifelong growth and adaptation, to practicing an attitude of self-love and fostering appreciation and a deep interest in others.
