How relationships cause distress

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There is an underlying paradox that we are wired for connection and self-protection with other humans. We want and crave safety and connection but often our mis-attunement with close loved ones, and subsequent reactions (instinctual survival strategies - behaviours associated with flight or fight responses ) create negative feedback loops in our relationships. 

When we sense danger, threat or distress in our relationships –through disagreements, thwarted expectations, or even through unrecognised primary needs (validation, appreciation, love, respect)- our nervous system goes into sympathetic arousal, (fight-flight mode). Our brain has its amygdala fired up and sends a warning (experienced as anxiety in the body). We begin looking around for “the danger” and “the problem” that is making us feel anxious. We usually find another person to focus our anxious attention on and to blame. Counterintuitively, this is often the same person we are seeking comfort, love and security from.

In flight-fight mode we often feel anxious, alone, unsupported, unloved, invalidated, hopeless, helpless, irritable or angry. Our thoughts and behaviour reflect this in many ways such as protesting, attacking, criticism, defending and withdrawing. The more one partner leans on these instinctive “survival strategies” to protest “the threat”, the more their partner will do the same. They become locked in a negative feedback loop where listening and problem solving are not possible.

All of this happens subconsciously – we effectively get hijacked by our brain and body trying to protect us. Often partners can identify the same emotional experiences and patterns occurring regularly over different topics. No matter how hard they try, they cannot find a solution to their distress. Blame usually increases and feeds more negativity. Each partner’s nervous system has subconsciously synchronised to their partner’s. They are stuck and it is painful.

All relationships go from secure connection (approach mode) to disconnection (fight/ flight, avoid modes) through misunderstandings, miscommunication, different perspectives, or the triggering of past hurts and vulnerabilities. This is normal and expected and happens many times a day, from small to large issues. In fact, the human body moves between sympathetic and parasympathic nervous systems continually. Some degree of fight-flight is necessary for motivation and action. However, getting continually stuck in this state with your partner will lead to disharmony and eventually disconnection.

The amygdala is quick to learn and slow to forget. Learned fears take hold when under stress or a situation reminds us of a previous painful experience. Once we find ourselves in these negative feedback loops it can be very hard to get ourselves out of them alone. Many couples adapt and find ways to repair (move into approach mode) and continue – but we also know many do not!

Approach mode (parasympathetic ventral vagus nervous system) is where partners can remain calm, be curious and creatively problem solve without attacking or defending. It is also known as our social engagement mode. John and Julie Gottman, world leaders in couples’ therapy, have shown that couples who remain in long term committed relationships are those who can repair the small daily “ruptures”, not those who never fought or disagreed. The goal is not to disagree but it is how we disagree and repair that is important.

For more information see The Neurobiology of Relationships.

For ideas on how to move from flight/fight to approach mode see What Happens in Neurodiverse Couples and Family Therapy .

Janelle Homan
Family Therapist
MMH (Psychotherapy) BSocWk AMHSW

Questions for couples therapy

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  1. Have you decided whether you are staying committed to your long-term relationship?

  2.  If not, what are your alternatives or if uncertain, what help do you need to make this decision?

  3. If yes, what would you like this relationship to be like? What does a ‘conscious’ marriage/relationship look like to you? What does your heart really want? Why is this important to you?

  4. If you decide you are in this relationship for the long term, does it make sense to create the best relationship you can have for yourselves and your children?

  5. Do you believe you can do this or is your mind clouded with the negative override and anxiety of the current situation (last ?years)?

  6. What would help you be more ready to work at changing your own part of the relationship?

  7. Do you believe that if you make positive changes yourself, your partner will also eventually make positive changes?

  8. What are your strengths? What are your challenges?

  9. What do you think you need to work on improving?

  10. What are your main concerns? What bothers you most? Upsets you most?

  11. If there was a miracle tonight and these bothers disappeared what would you notice  about yourself about others?

  12. What do you have control over?

  13. How can you influence your partner?

  14. How important is it to you that your partner is content, feeling secure and connected and loved?

  15. What ways have you found to get your partner off your case?

  16. What concrete things bring you closer? Distance you?

  17. What is your typical negative interactional cycle?

  18. How can you resist using coping strategies that feed your negative cycle?

  19. What habits would cultivate more peace between you and your partner?

  20. What skills might you need to learn?

  21. What are you prepared to change about yourself to make this possible? What would be your ideal self?
    Internally (individually) – taking responsibility for yourself – a. body – stress reduction, calming techniques, mindful practice, emotion regulation/awareness b. thoughts – keeping a check on the inner dialogue and negative stories especially about your partner/relationship, practising gratitude and compassion for self and partner

    Externally (with others)  - practising effective communication, listening and validating partner, respectful problem solving process for what needs attention, scheduling and prioritisation of the relationship

  22.  What ideas do you have about how to influence positive change in your partner? What has worked in the past? What doesn’t work? What gets in the road you of you doing more of what works?

  23. Do you believe in speaking to the best in people to bring out the best? How do you apply this?

  24. How do you avoid taking the bait from your partner when they may acting in ways that upset/disappoint you? Can you maintain your calm and either not react or respond with respectful integrity?

  25. What can you draw from mindfulness and apply to your marriage? Have you read the book ACT with Love by Russ Harris?

  26. Are you remembering that change occurs slowly? If things haven’t been happy for a while the mind will tend to dwell on the negative - we often don’t notice the small positive changes that we need to acknowledge in order to rebuild our relationship bank account. We defend against any positive actions of our partners to connect with us because of our own hurt feelings.

  27. Are you waiting for your partner to change first? How does this effect how you think about your partner? Is this a part of the negative internal dialogue?

  28. What habits would cultivate more peace and closeness between you both?

  29. Do you feel/think like a victim? Does this leave you feeling hopeless and disempowered? Is it possible for you to reclaim some hope and power through positive and effective self-change?

  30. Is it possible to turn your energy and focus on yourself – your internal and external factors that you and only you have control over?

  31. Are you being the ideal partner? How would you need to be different to attract positive connection with your partner? What small things can you do differently?

  32. Are there other things that you think should be talked about in therapy? What would you like to prioritise to work on?

  33.  If you’re in a Neurodiverse relationship, have you found the understanding of Asperger traits/neurodiversity to be useful/not useful in your relationship? In what ways? What are the main ways neurological differences are evident in your relationship? Have you found any creative ways to get around or accommodate these?

Strategies for Neurodiverse Couples

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Top Tasks for Neurotypical Partner

Habits that improve versus destroy: 

  • Increase self-soothing (meditation etc) and self-care practices (activities that calm your nervous system and energise)

  • Take responsibility for your own needs and wants and use clear, concise and effective communication techniques to make requests

  • Avoid reactivity and criticisms of character - Talk to the best in your partner

  • Accept and reframe your partner’s behaviours as ‘different wiring’ and avoid personalising or taking to heart matters unintended to hurt

  • Turn frustration into compassion, understanding and gratitude (calming the amygdala)

  • Challenge negative thoughts and narratives and foster humour

  • Beware of taking the parent role (with child) or the victim role (with villain)

  • Develop a mindset of being on the same team and problem solve together 

  • Develop curiosity about your partner’s experience and the effect your behaviour has on them.

TOP TASKS FOR Asperger Profile PARTNER

Habits that improve versus destroy:

  • Do things regularly that let your partner know that you care about them and that they are important/matter to you/appreciated by you

  • Write lists/reminders/schedules and stick to them

  • Practice flexibility, going with the flow and putting yourself in others shoes

  • Practice active listening skills and effective communication techniques

  • Improve emotional awareness and expression of self and needs

  • Love yourself and accept all of yourself – gifts and challenges

  • Apologise with “regret, responsibility and remedy” when you disappoint others

  • Take responsibility for your own behaviour and avoid taking the child or villain role – step up and be honest with yourself and others - ask for help if needed

  • Develop curiosity about your partner’s experience and the effect your behaviour has on them

Neurodiverse traits

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Do you find yourself in a constant struggle with your partner? Have you tried to work things out only to find things get worse? There may be significant neurobiological differences in how you experience the world and how you express yourselves. This inadvertently creates misunderstandings and conflict in relationships.

Everyone has a constellation of traits that make up their personality and default way of being. Both partners will identify some personal traits in the following article. Some of the traits listed here are strengths in certain contexts. When one person has a cluster of these traits they are likely to fall under an Asperger profile. Their partner may be more average or neurotypical.

A neurobiological framework is useful in that it makes sense of the common misunderstandings and removes blame and shame. When we are accepting of all of ourselves, both strengths and challenges, we are far more empowered to creatively problem solve and be less reactive in our relationships.

Accepting what is not likely to change, is the first step in making relationship changes.

Anxiety and Relationships

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What is anxiety?

Anxiety refers to that feeling of dread or urgency that we experience in our body. It is an evolutionary message that the body senses danger and is physiologically ready for fight, flight, freeze. 

Why is it important to reduce anxiety?

Anxiety is a great motivator of action if there is a physical threat that we have to escape from.  When the threat is psychological or emotional, anxiety is the enemy. We are ready for action and our frontal “higher order” thinking lobes turn off – our thinking and problem-solving ability actually becomes narrowed and distorted. (we tend to become black and white in our thoughts, overly personalise information, filter out the negative, catastrophize, make up ideas/mind read-all this happens automatically so we can focus on the danger). We are in our primitive reactive attack-defend-withdraw stance and this usually invites whoever we are dealing with to respond in the same way! Our nervous system subconsciously attunes to those around us.

Anxiety is the enemy, not your partner!

It is very common when couples (neurodiverse or not) present for therapy that each person comes with a mind full of ideas about “what the problem is and how it should be fixed”, and a body full of anxiety.

This usually means having their partner’s weaknesses under the microscope. Each tries desperately to argue their case (to satisfy their anxious minds’ thinking) by remembering every occasion that their partner demonstrated the particular weaknesses/shortcomings. Much of this “evidence” may have occurred or may be real, but the overall story is one of hopelessness and pathology, neglecting any focus on positive attributes that may be useful in solving their relationship dilemmas– not a good position to feel empowered and motivated to make changes from or to feel empathy towards your partner and their needs or wants.

 This is the anxious and judgemental stance and it actually generates more inner stress because our nervous system is on alert. It keeps us locked in those negative interactional cycles that we can’t seem to escape. 

Until we can accept ourselves and our partners, (remain calm, open and curious to life and our partners), we cannot entertain the idea of change and healing.

How to reduce anxiety

There are many ways to become aware of anxiety and to gain some sense of influence over it rather than have anxiety push us around in life.

Some people find that they are more prone to anxiety – this is normal - we can’t and don’t want to get rid of all anxiety. Anxiety has a very good purpose of letting us know that there is potential danger or concern. However, for most of us, we have an abundance of it and should aim to reduce it for the health of our relationships and our own bodies.

  1. Relaxation strategies – done regularly condition our nervous system to be in good shape and less prone to reactivity. Resets the nervous system to the relaxed state that is needed for good health and the ability to think clearly.

  2. Mindfulness practices – some people find these relaxing as well but the purpose is actually to condition the thoughts to have a directed focus. This way we have more influence over our thoughts and can consciously direct them in ways that our helpful eg rather than letting our minds run wild with all sorts of continual past hurts or future worries, we can focus on the here and now and respond by problem solving right now. This is more likely to get our needs met.

  3. Cognitive, emotional and behavioural awareness and retraining – slowing down and reflecting on what’s happening for us right now as soon as we feel unsettled. What is my emotional need right now? Eg for support, validation, to feel worthy, to feel loved, for physical assistance..etc….  becoming aware of how our thoughts influence our emotions and behaviour. Identifying anxious thinking patterns and developing helpful thoughts and internal dialogues. Taking action and choosing behaviour that actually works and gets us closer to meeting our needs and goals.

  4. Physical Exercise

  5. Yoga

  6. Body/Somatic therapies -Tapping,  EMDR, Feldenkrais, Reiki, reflexology, remedial massage, Somatic Experiencing, Biofeedback -HeartMath

  7. Special Interests – bring joy and pleasure

  8. Nutrition – ensure you understand your individual needs

  9. Leisure/holidays/breaks

  10. Social connections/family/friends

  11. Reading

  12. Religious/spiritual rituals – prayer,

  13. Being in Nature

  14. Practising gratitude, appreciation

  15. Art, creativity – getting into a state of flow

  16. Drama, dance, movement classes

  17. Limit drugs, alcohol and caffeine

  18. Sleep – ensure you get enough

  19. Breathe – learn techniques to calm nervous system

  20. Volunteer

  21. Accept you cannot control everything

  22. Seek professional help for activities that create short term relief from anxiety but create long term pain. Eg. Addictions, obsessions.

Janelle Homan
Family Therapist
MMH (Psychotherapy) BSocWk AMHSW

Why relationships are important for our well-being and survival

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Humans are designed to connect and attach to other humans in order to thrive in life. We are biologically designed to need this connection with others as much as we need food and water. We unconsciously look to our partners, family and close friends for unconditional love, approval and support; just as a baby looks to its parent for this.

The brain and nervous system require the attunement and attentiveness of others to assist in development and emotional self-regulation. Humans rely subconsciously on significant others for security, safety and love in order to thrive and have good mental health. 

This is informed by several decades of research in the fields of attachment theory, social baseline theory and neuroscience.

However, the price we pay for this evolutionary protection and connection can be over-reactivity in our close relationships. This breeds negativity and obscures our partners positive traits, the possibility of hope and any positive change.

According to Bader and Pearson’s Developmental Model of relationships, all relationships move through predictable stages.  We move from the early romantic phase, where we are focused on similarities and sameness, to the next phase of realising we are in fact quite different. All sorts of differences become apparent and conflict often begins here – some couples manage to negotiate this, grow as people and move into the next phase of the relationship – but many don’t.

Our relationships work on us to change

The second phase is where it becomes apparent that all partners are imperfect, and that you will never have a happy relationship by seeking changes in your partner. Rather if we learn to focus our attention on our own needs, vulnerabilities and reactions, we are empowered and influence those around us to change or adapt to meet some of our needs. This is the nature of self-growth. Our relationships work on us to change.

If our focus gets stuck on our partner’s inherent “flaws”, things seem unchangeable. The more we focus on the negativity in our partner, the more evidence our brain finds to support our feelings of hopelessness. We react with instinctual survival strategies in this state, which are counterintuitive to what we want and need. Our partner is less likely to change to accommodate our needs. As vulnerabilities and past hurts are inadvertently triggered through feelings of insecurity in the relationship, neither partner is available to soothe the other. What’s keeping us stuck, is not so much our partner’s differences -it’s actually the reactivity and negative feedback loops that begin. Our well intended, but misguided attempts to create harmony and security, often create the opposite.

Long term committed relationships are worthwhile and healthy for us. We must remember to practice acts of kindness and curiosity and be respectful of each other’s vulnerabilities, priorities, ideas, opinions and operating systems, to learn effective and respectful ways of communicating our needs and expectations, and of problem solving.

Janelle Homan
Family Therapist
MMH (Psychotherapy) BSocWk AMHSW

How is neurodiverse couples and family therapy different?

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Neurodiverse relationships have special challenges due to differences in each partner’s cognitive, sensory and emotional processing, communication and learning styles. Neurodiverse relationships:

  • are more vulnerable to unintentional misunderstandings, disagreements and misattunements of each others needs

  • get stuck in negative feedback loops of fight/flight or avoid mode

  • don’t easily repair the negative feedback loops or disagreements/misattunements through the subtle use of instinctual survival strategies (eg. hints, sulking, body language)

  • require more frequent problem solving to understand each other, get needs met, feel safe and secure, and to address the day to day issues of domestic life.

Therefore a paradox exists - problem solving is best in responsive or approach mode but these relationships typically spend a lot of time in reactive flight- fight mode. The process becomes the problem not your partner. Couples often recognise that they have the same sort of fight over different things, and sometimes can’t even remember what the disagreement was about.

Neurodiverse couples and family therapy is about exploring differences in a respectful manner without attributing blame, keeping in mind the particular traits that each partner brings to the relationship.

It takes the view that there is a range of underlying neurobiological wiring packages that predispose people to various expressions of traits which are both strengths and weaknesses depending on the context.

It aims to establish a supportive environment to explore the couple or family’s different perspectives and experiences and to learn ways to respectfully and creativity problem solve typical problems. 

It offers interpretations and adjustments relating to each partner’s neurobiological traits and vulnerabilities.  It aims to reduce misunderstandings, frustration, blame, and shame and collaborate around practical solutions for you to practice at home.

Neurodiverse couples and family therapy is systemic in nature – it is concerned with the interactional and bidirectional patterns of the relationship. For example, when one person says or does something, how does their partner react and what effect does this have on their partner, and what does the other do in response? Is their response helpful? What is the meaning or feeling behind the behaviour? What need or fear does this relate to?

It takes the philosophy that relationships follow developmental trajectories and that life is about growth and adaptation. Our relationships push us to grow.

It is a collaboration with you and takes considerable effort, commitment and courage on your own part - to practice doing things differently, to break old habits of thinking and interacting, and to persist despite setbacks. There is no quick fix to relationship change. It is a commitment to lifelong growth and adaptation, to practicing an attitude of self-love and fostering appreciation and a deep interest in others.

Janelle Homan
Family Therapist
MMH (Psychotherapy) BSocWk AMHSW

Top 10 tips for relationship success

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  1. Listen to your partner.

    We all yearn to be heard, understood, validated and accepted for who we are. Practice turning off what you’d like to say when listening to your partner and adopt some curiosity about what they are saying. Put down your defensive stance. Ask questions and try to summarise back to them what they’ve said.  Your partner may have an issue that they’d like to talk about but you don’t need to go into problem solving mode for them. In fact, it is far more empowering to be listened to than to receive unsolicited advice. 

  2. Know your own values, needs and dreams and become interested in your partner’s

    If you can articulate what you believe in and why, and what your emotional needs are you can enter into a dialogue about these things. If you are unclear, warning emotions (fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness) will surface when your beliefs and needs are violated but you will unconsciously react rather than consciously respond.  With busy lives, sometimes the bigger dreams and aspirations get lost. Make time to talk about what is important to you and entertain dreams for the future. Practice this with enjoyable topics and you may find that hot topics are easier to negotiate.

  3. Develop acceptance, respect and gratitude for the difference

    In any relationship differences emerge once the romantic phase of the relationship passes. Research on happiness has proven that the practice of gratitude, along with quality interpersonal connections are the biggest influences on long term happiness and well-being. Show appreciation every day for all the small things that you are grateful for. 

  4. Become an ideal friend and partner

    Work on yourself – turn your energy and attention to yourself and how you can change to be your best in relationships.  When we are in a distressed relationship negative override develops– partners become anxious and get stuck in blame-attack-withdraw mode. When your mind is finding fault with your partner, remind yourself that by staying in the stance of criticism (attack) you are definitely not talking to the best in your partner or helping them accept their own shortcomings. You will be encouraging their defences and likely to keep them just where they are, rather than motivating the positive change you desire. If you want to repair a relationship take the “threat to leave” off the agenda – it feeds insecurity according to Dr Steve Tatkin who specialises in the neuroscience of relationships.

  5. Problem solve conflict respectfully  

    Conflict is inevitable in any relationship due to differences. Drs John and Julie Gottman who have researched couples for over forty years found that 60% of marital conflict is unsolvable. It is therefore imperative that we learn to disagree with great respect for each other. The goal is to manage conflict –you cannot eliminate it. Of course, conflict in the form of abuse or violence should not be tolerated. Stay “I” focused rather than “you” focused, speak with respect and have curiosity for your partner’s perspective. Take agreed time out if things get too heated, and agree to come back to the disagreement once you have calmed down. 

  6. Plan rituals of connection

    To change the emotional climate of the relationship, plan pleasurable moments. Start small and build your emotional bank account by “turning towards your partner” rather than away or against. The Gottmans observed that every day there are small “bids for connection” between partners. The couples who had positive long term relationships, responded warmly in response to these small bids on a ratio greater than five positive interactions to one negative interaction. Bids can be very incidental communication for example: “did you see the sunrise this morning?” partner might return by saying “oh yes, it was magnificent” (positive), or may say “nuh” (away) or may say “no I was trying to sleep in after you woke me up!” (against).

  7. When stuck, do something different

    It is likely that no matter what you are specifically disagreeing over, the same reactive and unhelpful emotional patterns are occurring. This is what we call gridlock. Practice asking yourself some questions to slow down the interaction and give yourself time to choose a different response. When you feel uneasy or that you are entering into a moment of conflict ask yourself some questions: what is going on for me right now? What need of mine is wanting attention? What do I value that has been violated? Am I in attack or defend mode or feel like withdrawing? Do I need time out to calm down? Keep the focus on yourself and not your partner. If you can stay calm enough to express your needs in a way that your partner is able to hear, you will likely change their behaviour, but nagging, pleading or attacking them will see them put up their own protective defences – back to gridlock.

  8. Develop some language for emotional awareness and communication  

    Practice asking yourself – what is going on for me right now? What are my bodily sensations telling me? What need of mine is wanting attention? Is this something I can satisfy myself or is to reasonable to ask my partner or someone else for help with this? Behind every complaint is a deep longing. Turn your whinges into wants, your nagging into your needs.

  9. Taking care of yourself

    This is fundamental to your happiness and well-being. Assess your balance of recreation and leisure pursuits, rest, nutrition, friends, community involvement. Find ways your relationship can become more interdependent which is a blend of dependence and independence. For example, not expecting our partners, children, relatives and friends to meet all our needs all the time, but having the confidence that when we turn to them they will be there for us. This is what we all want and need.

  10. Live mindfully in the now

    Stop worrying about things that have already happened, and stop worrying about what may go wrong in the future. Take some time each day to ground yourself and to think only about the present moment. There are many different ways to do this from guided exercises to focused breathing exercises, listening to music, getting into nature. This practice aims to discipline your mind to be able to focus on thoughts and actions that you value, without the cloud of worry that can easily get in the road. When there is a problem –put conscious energy into a response or action that is likely to help. 

    If you are stuck, ruminating and can’t solve it alone – seek help.

Janelle Homan
Family Therapist
MMH (Psychotherapy) BSocWk AMHSW

What happens in neurodiverse couples and family therapy?

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Change and healing are possible when we are in a calm state or approach mode (ventral vagal nervous system) - hope, curiosity, problem solving and learning all take place here.

Change and healing occurs in the habits of mind, thought, behaviour, emotion, nervous system.

Change and healing is gradual and slow and takes at least a few months of disciplined practice of specific activities and actions.  

Change and healing goes forward and backwards, setbacks are normal and expected and you need a plan to get back on track.

Couples in long term neurodiverse relationships accept the daily mis-attunements and adapt to accommodate them and implement self-care practices.

Change and healing may be  an internal process

  • getting to know your own traits - strengths and weaknesses from a neurobiological perspective – psychoeducation and resource sharing

  • identifying and self-soothing our internal processes (difficult emotions, anxiety, fear, depression, grief, emotion) – meditation, mindfulness type activities, breathing exercises, physical exercise, yoga, cognitive behavioural therapy, body therapies like reflexology and remedial massage, postural integration -Alexander technique, Feldenkrais, Reiki, Integrative Body-Mind based psychotherapies, Hakomi, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, Tapping, biofeedback like Heartmath

  • taking time out, attending to your own needs (for adventure, spontaneity, creativity, nature) by ourselves – e.g. doing activities that replenish us or improve our nervous system functioning,

  • working to tame our inner critic – of ourselves and our partner -improving our own sense of self-esteem and challenging our internal dialogue and narrative that is problem saturated and keeps our brain looking for evidence to support it

  •  practising gratitude and self-compassion

  • staying mindful - in the present moment

Or Change and healing may be a between process

  • doing kind things for your partner, having kind thoughts towards your partner,

  • saying kind words, expressing gratitude,

  • learning how to have safe, repairing and reciprocal conversations with your partner

  • learning how to raise a complaint without criticism – standing up for yourself without putting your partner down

  • learning how to problem solve with your partner

  • learning how to keep your partner in your mind in positive ways

  • taking time out/deescalating conflict

  • learning to apologise and receive and apology responsibly

  •  developing a code word/signal to deescalate conflict and nervous system arousal

  •  understanding negative feedback loops – how and when you are drawn into reactivity and anxiety, and the effect your behaviour has on your partner

  •  scheduling time to enjoy being with your partner – create, play, dance, fun, joy, humour

  • learning about each other’s needs for physical and intimate closeness

  •  learning how to “perspective take” (focusing attention on your partner’s perspective)

  •  creating shared dreams and rituals of connection and supporting each other’s roles

Neurodiverse couples and family therapy aims to assist you to a calm, less reactive position where you can problem solve in a safe and trusting manner with your partner and other loved ones.

 It involves a combination of education, interpretation and targeted strategies to move you away from destructive cycles of interaction, enhancing the well-being of all family members.

It acknowledges the need for acceptance, understanding and validation, then for change, growth and adaptation.

Janelle Homan
Family Therapist
MMH (Psychotherapy) BSocWk AMHSW

The special challenge of neurodiverse relationships 

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Neurodiverse relationships have specific challenges which make the couple more vulnerable to misinterpretations in each other’s social and emotional cueing. When reactions to distress occur, negative feedback loops (fight-flight, avoid modes) escalate rapidly. The instinctual survival strategies that might work to get average couples back into a calm state or approach mode, ( like bargaining, pleading, hints, passive-aggressive games, sulking, pursuing, protesting, clinging, withdrawing) - don’t work with neurodiverse couples. In fact they are likely to make things worse rapidly. Each partner misinterprets their partner’s reactive or unresponsive behaviour as negative intentions and begin to attack or defend. 

When the normal process of mis-atunement occurs in a neurodiverse relationship, there is less chance of the couple automatically repairing themselves to a calm, approach mode. The relationship distress becomes a self-reinforcing cycle. The more we feel unsupported, the more stressed we feel, the more anxious and rigid we become in our thinking and reactions, the more the relationship is unlikely to be repaired, the more unsafe we feel, the more stressed we feel. The negative pattern takes on a life of its own. Both partners report feeling “traumatised” by this process. Paradoxically, this stress usually dials up the neurodiverse traits and differences that are problematic in the relationship.(e.g. anxiety, cognitive rigidity, difficulties with perspective taking)

For example, due to differences in interoception, theory of mind and contextual processing, one partner may not intuitively understand their partner’s needs or desires. When this partner’s expectations are thwarted and they begin to notice distress, they will often use a survival strategy to protect themselves or pull for connection. (This might look like pleading, bargaining, arguing, threatening, fighting or withdrawing, shutting down, avoiding. )

Their partner may not naturally or easily perceive and understand other people’s needs and expectations unless they receive concrete, clear and specific communication, that makes sense to them. They may also be overwhelmed easily by emotion and not understand the hidden emotional agendas of other people.

Interoception is an area of current interest and research, that explains the spectrum of internal sensory experiences that occur in humans. Internal sensory experiences send messages to the brain to regulate the body and help us control things like thirst, temperature, hunger, fatigue, and also more complex sensations such as emotion. A lot of this is subconscious. At one end of the spectrum are people who suffer alexithymia - an inability to recognise and articulate complex internal sensations and the related emotion.

When people have difficulty identifying and making sense of their own internal world, it is understandable that they will have even more trouble identifying and making sense of the internal world of another person. These people often default to using higher logic to analyse the world - many excel in their field. At the other end of the spectrum, are people who have a highly attuned radar to other’s needs and feelings and rely on “felt states” in their communication. They may express a lot of emotion and will sometimes want to communicate with their partner to process their own emotion.

As one partner becomes more upset and tries harder to convince or persuade their partner that they have got things wrong, don’t understand or have hurt their feelings. The other partner cannot make sense of their partner’s emotional distress (it is not logical to them) and goes into anxiety, overwhelm, avoidance or sometimes a “meltdown”. In an effort to make sense of the situation, people interpret that their partner is intentionally uncaring, selfish, lazy etc… This interpretation becomes their dominant narrative/voice/thoughts and makes them feel more distressed and hopeless and their partner feel ashamed and confused and defensive.

The survival strategies quickly reinforce the neurodiverse couple in flight-fight or reactive mode (sympathetic arousal) and often to avoidance and shutdown mode (parasympathetic dorsal vagal) leading to hopelessness and depression The more withdrawn, confused, ashamed, immobilised one partner becomes, the more disappointed, anxious, angry, upset, the other becomes – both partner’s brains and nervous systems are on alert and looking for trouble and danger - usually in each other.  They are not remembering each other’s positive attributes or talking to the best in them. They cannot listen to each other’s viewpoints or vulnerabilities, or creatively problem solve. Couples talk about continually “walking on eggshells” and having “armour on”. They become sabotaged by what the Gottmans call “negative override”.

Paradoxically, what neurodiverse couples need is more time in approach mode (calm balanced nervous system, reflective not reactive) to creatively problem solve their differences. With understanding, support and professional assistance, it is possible to move away from flight-fight-avoid modes to approach mode. This paves the way for a rich and vibrant relationship that accepts and embraces differences.

Janelle Homan
Family Therapist
MMH (Psychotherapy) BSocWk AMHSW

I think that I might be neuro-atypical - Do I need a diagnosis?

neuro-atypical-blog

The short answer is no, but this is a complicated issue.

The aim of any relationship counselling is to understand ourselves and each other better, to accept what can’t be changed and to creatively problem solve the things that can. However, the change process often can’t begin until each partner understands their own traits, both strengths and weaknesses. An empathic understanding of each other’s “biologic wiring” is also critical to optimising neurodiverse relationships.

The diagnostic process, if undertaken with a perspective of curiosity, may help you develop more self-awareness and to make sense of historical experiences. It can allow you to better understand the strengths and weaknesses of your neurobiology. It may also help you to reduce the impact of traits that trigger distress in others. Once we know ourselves well, it is also easier to speak to the best in ourselves and in our partner. However, in the context of relationship advancement, a diagnosis is only a potential stepping stone in the journey towards a better relationship.

In the context of relationship distress, it is easy to get into vicious cycles of criticism and defensiveness. This is especially the case when one person can be identified as being “atypical” or having traits that fit a “mental health classification” such as ADHD, ASD (Asperger’s), anxiety or depression. They can often feel that they carry the bulk of the responsibility for relationship problems. Sometimes “getting a diagnosis” can become a secondary problem. The “typical” partner seeks it to validate their own experience in the relationship, whilst the “atypical” partner rejects it to defend their own normality. A “name and blame” approach is unlikely to improve the relationship.

 Even when one person gets a diagnosis, it doesn’t necessarily convert to “the solution”. Some partners will interpret the diagnosis by giving up hope that their atypical partner will ever be able to change or show empathy. On the other hand, the “diagnosed” atypical partner may feel paralysed by stigma, feel under attack, or be overwhelmed by responsibility to change the impossible. It usually takes time to accept and integrate new knowledge about oneself. Stigma and negative bias around mental health diagnoses still exist and can damage self-esteem and identity. Hopefully as diversity empowerment movements grow, this will be challenged.

Neurodiverse couples therapy takes the pressure off the need to diagnose and explores each couple’s unique traits that have become problematic in the context of their relationship. It always “takes two to tango” and relationship change is always a 50-50 responsibility. Relationships are bi-directional – how we react and interact with each other has significant potential to change the impact of various traits on the relationship in a positive and negative manner. Both members of the relationship must learn to adapt to their differences, not to “fix” the atypical person. Having said that, this doesn’t absolve either person from taking responsibility to improve their relationship.

Learning about relationships and neurodiversity helps you accept what’s unlikely to change and to creatively problem solve where needed.

Janelle Homan
Family Therapist
MMH (Psychotherapy) BSocWk AMHSW

Resources for couples, parents and families

resources-couples-parents-families

The following links may be helpful resources. Although most of these come with my recommendation, I do not endorse everything presented and it is not exhaustive. 

If you require after hours advice or urgent assistance, please refer to my contact page.

Couples 

Parents and Families

Resources on neurodiversity, Aspergers, autism & ADHD

Resources-Aspergers-autism-ADHD

The following links may be helpful resources. Although most of these come with my recommendation, I do not endorse everything presented and it is not exhaustive. 

If you require after hours advice or urgent assistance, please refer to my contact page.

Aspergers and Autism

Resources on anxiety, depression and addiction

Resources-anxiety-depression-addiction

The following links may be helpful resources. Although most of these come with my recommendation, I do not endorse everything presented and it is not exhaustive. 

If you require after hours advice or urgent assistance, please refer to my contact page.

Anxiety/Depression

Addiction

Resources on Mindfulness and Self-Compassion and Communication

Mindfulness-selfcompassion-communications

The following links may be helpful resources. Although most of these come with my recommendation, I do not endorse everything presented and it is not exhaustive. 

If you require after hours advice or urgent assistance, please refer to my contact page.

Mindfulness and Self Compassion

Communication 

Resources on trauma, body and senses

Resources on giftedness, learning disabilities

Giftedness-learning-disabilities.jpg

The following links may be helpful resources. Although most of these come with my recommendation, I do not endorse everything presented and it is not exhaustive. 

If you require after hours advice or urgent assistance, please refer to my contact page.

Giftedness

Learning Disabilities

Resources on nutrition & mental health

nutrition-mental-health

The following links may be helpful resources. Although most of these come with my recommendation, I do not endorse everything presented and it is not exhaustive. 

If you require after hours advice or urgent assistance, please refer to my contact page.

Nutrition and Mental Health